Exploration and Consideration of Thoughts
by Cinn
Summary: T'Pol gets some time to consider her thoughts and possible feelings. There are a few spoilers mainly for the very last episode.


Disclaimer: Don't own the characters etc, don't sue. Simple as. 

Spoiler Warnings: Small spoilers for season 3 episodes and spoilers for 'These are the Voyages' (last episode of season 4).

Cinn: I've been away for a while - a long while in fact - and whilst going through some of my old fics (and their appropriate reviews) because my computer crashed and deleted everything, I found a review from - actually having finally found the review again they didn't give a name - 't'. I'm going to assume that they know who they are - because I don't.  
It gave me an idea to do a variation on my first Enterprise fic - which is partly suggested in their review. They suggested I have T'Pol examine her feelings for Trip rather than Archer, and that inspired me to write her considering her feelings for the crew and her thoughts on any feelings she has had – or may have had.  
And just for any strongly opinionated shippers who read this - I'm not trying to be part of any particular ship.  
This is set at the end of 'These Are the Voyages'

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Exploration of Thoughts - why did T'Pol not want to listen to the conference? (T'Pol's p.o.v.)

* * *

I can hear everyone go silent as I'm left on my own, sitting down waiting for everything to be over, and to finally meet Commander Tucker's parents. I now have well neededtime to contemplate all my thoughts, especially about the crew of Enterprise who practically became my family over the years. It will be very unusual to be in a different place, a different ship or assignment. So now would be a very good time to consider all these thoughts that I have at present. 

I'll start with the senior crew, and Ensign Sato. I've grown to trust her and respect her. She remained on Enterprise for, approximately, 10 years despite being terrified of space travel, eventually getting over her fear and always being a reliable member of the crew, who saved us from many tricky situations during that time. I suppose I'd almost consider her a close colleague, but not quite a friend. Or somewhere between the two.

Next there's Ensign Mayweather. Talented, joking, yet can concentrate excellently when the occasion demands. Many missions have depended on his skills at the helm, and we've always been able to rely upon those skills. Other than that I don't know much about him - other than that he doesn't seem to have anything against anyone until he has a reason, and even then he seems willing to forgive them if he has to - sometimes. This he showed during the 'Terra Prime' mission.

Lieutenant Reed - he's the person I know least about. He is mostly quiet, keeps to himself as best he can. Determined - he likes everything to work to the best of its possible abilities, will do whatever it takes to complete missions, and always tries to think through all scenarios of a choice in a difficult situation. Occasionally he is pessimistic in his views about what events could lead to what - but not always.

Doctor Phlox – he's friendly, usually happy, and talkative. Gives good advice, I find it relatively easy to talk to him. However I usually have to have given it a great deal of consideration first. I suppose being the only two non-humans on Enterprise - for most of the time - brought us reasonably close together.

Then there's Commander Tucker - part of me is saying it is illogical to consider all thoughts about him here as he is now dead, the other part is saying that it is logical because not only was he almost always a part of the senior crew but that senior crew has pretty much broken apart now. Trip was probably the person I was closest too during the time we shared on Enterprise, and the one I'll miss the most. One thing I've never been able to decide is whether or not I loved him. At times I did, of course I did, but at other times I've thought about it more and decided I didn't. Of course being Vulcan I had little experience with emotions until I started using Trellium. Since then I've had a lot more experience with emotions - not necessarily all good experiences.

When we encountered the Enterprise that had travelled back in time Trip once said to me that "I was afraid to admit that under the right circumstances I could have feelings for him" that was not completely true - I couldn't decide whether or not I already did have feelings for him. It wasn't often that I got confused - or at least admitted it - but Trip was able to confuse me, and confuse me well. Even thinking about him now - and all my thoughts about him now - I still can't decide how I felt (and still do) about him.

There's much more that I could talk about for Trip - but I've done it so many times before I don't think I could comprehend it any better than I already do.

Finally - there's Captain Archer. During the 10 years we've grown to depend upon each other judgments - him a lot more than myself. I consider him a friend, there once was a time when I thought I considered him more than such, but I soon analysed all my thoughts enough to decide that I perhaps did - but not significantly. I know I don't anymore, though I hope we'll always be friends.

I'll miss everyone I knew on Enterprise - obviously some more than others. I don't think that I'll ever have an experience quite like the one I had on Enterprise, I'll always remember these past 10 years. However I can't really dwell too much on the past - as I still have the rest of my life to live out and experience. Those are the main 6 people who've influenced and had an impact on those 10 years; those people are probably the main factors that have affected those 10 years.

I can hear applause - the Captain must have finished speaking - the whole thing cannot be over yet. He hasn't been gone that long and I haven't been sitting here that long either.

I shall continue, logically, planned consideration of the various thoughts in my head at this point in time, I shall now move onto emotions I think I may have had an encounter with.

The first one, or at least the first memorable one, was fear and paranoia. During the early stages of the Xindi mission and we encountered the Seleya. It was the Trellium that did it, I know that. It was a most usual and a great indication of how humans and other species with emotions must feel in times of distress.

Soon after that I felt a lot more emotions that I had never thought I may have had brief experiences with before, usually just before meditation. Most of these were simple things but until you've experienced them you don't actually know how important they may or may not be. The first of these was a sense of humour, another was the fact that I seemed to have more social need and a want to talk to people and socialise more.

Then stronger attachments with certain members of the crew were made as a result of this - until I eventually found myself pondering with the idea of love. The main concern of this was Commander Tucker - Trip. These were the thoughts that confused me the most. I couldn't decide whether or not I loved him because I'd never had any experience with love before and had no idea what it was supposed to be like. The only thing I could compare it to was a strong bond between the Captain and I, but that's of a strong friendship - not love. I did once consider that I may have stronger feelings towards the Captain - but they were soon dismissed. As were the feelings I had for Trip - but they always reappeared and disappeared quite quickly.

Many people would say that confusion is not an emotion - I'd have to disagree. Confusion is an emotion - it affects you in exactly the same way, it makes you think about everything just the same as any emotion does. Most of the emotions I've ever felt leave me in a state of confusion until I've thought everything through. Once I was so confused I invited Phlox down to my quarters just to see if it would help. I never did come to a complete conclusions as to why I did that, the nearest was as Phlox said - I thought the company might help.

Through the rest of the mission I did my best to control any emotions I felt - or thought I may have felt - this didn't always go as I planned it to. Especially the one and only time I was intimate with Trip. That was shortly after the first time I experienced jealousy, and that was probably the worst emotion I've felt. I had this irrational hatred for someone I knew very little, it was so illogical I nearly didn't feel Vulcan at one point. However once I'd regained some control it gave me a clearer understanding of why we - Vulcans - repress our emotions. So afterwards I partly welcomed the experience because of the understanding I gained from it.

From then on I kept my emotional experience - or tried - to a minimum, and it wasn't until I returned to Vulcan that I had an experience that was in any way significant. That was when I was in an internal battle - whether or not to marry Koss. I had one argument either way, yes - it would help my mother, no - I didn't love Koss and didn't want to leave Enterprise. Eventually I was persuaded to marry Koss, but that was only because the reason I had left was the fact that I didn't love him - I negotiated that we would not have to live together straight away - and since Vulcans are not supposed to have emotions this meant that this was a redundant reason.

Between then and returning to Vulcan the only thought that came close to an emotion was my relationship/friendship with Trip. Marrying Koss did not help that.

When I returned to Vulcan it wasn't emotions that affected me as strongly - but more were my beliefs. When we found the Kir'Shara it made me re-examine everything I'd ever been told about Vulcan society and the original teachings of Surak. This not only led to the break-up of mine and Koss' short marriage, but my going to Trip for comfort. My mother had just died, my beliefs were being put under serious reconsideration, but why I turned to Trip for consolation I don't know. Maybe because his sister had died recently and knew how it felt, maybe because I was quite close to him, maybe because I felt like I needed to share it with him. Whatever the reason I did, and I don't regret it - I know that because I've never felt regret. With one exception;

The last emotion I've had the briefest of encounters with is regret. It had a lot to do with Trip's death. Regret of not telling him exactly how I felt - confused - but just hiding it each time I came close? Regret of not telling him something else, or not being able to say goodbye? I don't know - but it didn't last long. Soon I just felt the loss of a friend, and the bond that had been formed, grief I suppose. It was this feeling that made me decide to meet his family.

That's why I'm sitting here right now - instead of listening to the conference - or as the Captain put it "listening to him making a fool of himself".

There are probably many other thoughts that I should analyse carefully and thoroughly now - whilst I have the time - but I can't think of anything else at this precise time. It'll probably come back at a point where it is evident that I should've analysed it now.

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Cinn: OK, maybe this went a little off my original plan - but I like it. I can only hope you like it. Review please, lemme know what you think, good or bad - I'm not too fussed as long as it anything bad is in a nice constructive way which I can use to either improve this fic itself or to improve anything else I may go on to write. I apologise for any spelling errors – I have spell checked it, but I've probably missed one or two. 


End file.
